As grown-ups, perhaps we are just supposed to “know better”… to be intrinsically, intuitively capable of navigating the minefields of dealing with stepchildren. However, that doesn't seem to be the case, There are no rules that have a blanket application. Stepchildren are like puppies; they are generally appealing but you don't know how your relationship is going to develop until it has already happened. And often, the true colors of it aren't fully revealed until it's too late, when the actual parent divorces or dies and the stepparent is left with the debris.

Dear L. A. Plume,

What is the protocol of introducing someone to your ex-stepchildren? I recently went to watch one of mine play in a tennis tournament and introduced her to a friend of mine as my stepdaughter. She looked right at me and said, “Well, actually, that is no longer technically true, is it?” I thought we had a passively pleasant relationship after my being married to her father for twenty years, and her step mother for a great many of those years, and was shocked by her comment. Should I have simply introduced her by name and omitted our relationship, and thus the reason for my going to see her play? By the way, she is 35 years old.

Mimi

Dear Mimi,

If you should be in that position again, you could introduce her as a child of your ex-husband by one of his other wives. She should get the message that you heard what she had to say to you about no longer having any special relationship with her either. If you went to watch her play in a tournament that suggests your feelings toward her are somewhat positive, if not maternal, but you can't force your way into someone else's life. She is an adult; she has the right to choose who she thinks of as her family. It's just too bad she chose to do it in a public way.

L. A. Plume

Dear Ms. Plume,

My stepdaughter is getting married in May. I have been married to her father for 12 years; she has lived with us most of that time since her mother left with a lover, quickly remarried and divorced, and is on the hunt for another man. In the mother’s quest she has almost totally neglected her children as, “They are cumbersome when trying to form a new relationship.” Now her mother is stepping up to the plate with the wedding planning, for which she is not paying one penny (of course that falls on my husband and thereby also me). Here's my problem: I have not been asked to contribute one single thing or thought. I've offered to host a shower, help with the invitations and/or decorations, but it is all a big secret between the mother and daughter, with Dad paying the bills. Our only non-financial contribution is that we are “allowed” to invite a certain few guests on our list. Of course, Dad doesn't want to upset the proverbial apple cart and is giving them carte blanche. Is there anything I can do?

Hurt and Annoyed

Dear Hurt,

Wear a drop-dead gold strapless cocktail dress to the wedding. Glory is its own reward.

L. A. Plume

Dear Ms. Plume,

I have three stepchildren – a boy and two girls. The boy is eighteen, twelve years older than the youngest girl. He takes a very protective interest in her, which is really not necessary as his father, my husband, is a control freak anyway. For a while, we’ve been noticing that certain things of hers have gone missing, such as a pair of (children’s) dress-up high heels, a lip gloss, and some odd pieces of costume jewelry. I am embarrassed to say that we thought the little girl next door took them, mainly because we couldn't think of any other possibility. Anyway, the boy went off to college and asked us to send some items that he had forgotten, and when we went to get them, there were all the missing items in his dresser drawer. What should we do?

Pam

Dear Pam,

This will require conversation and perhaps counseling. Meanwhile, you could return her things to her and replace them in his drawer with another pair of shoes, lip gloss and a note telling him that if he would like to have things like this he needs to discuss it with his father.

L. A. Plume

Dear L A Plume,

I know what the etiquette is for thanking someone for a gift, and of the options available I choose a handwritten note sent through the mail.  My question is what can be done about people who don't acknowledge the receipt of a gift? Should I call to see if they got it/ opened it/ liked it? I sent it by priority mail so I know it has had way more than sufficient time to be delivered, and I know they have been at home.

Just Curious,

Heather

Dear Heather,

I would go ahead and assume they didn't like it – there is no other plausible explanation for not acknowledging and thanking someone for a gift.

If you're questioning whether or not they received it – next time use delivery tracking and you'll have the answer to that, or send it registered mail so they have to sign for it and they will know that you know they received it. Did they open it? Who knows the answer to that, unless it was for a future occasion and they may be waiting for that time. Perhaps that's why you haven't heard; but a thank you, we got it and are looking forward to opening it on our anniversary, etc. would be polite. An exception would be if what you sent was a thank you gift; it is not necessary to thank someone for thanking you, although it would be nice to know if it actually arrived in their hands.

Nope, you can conclude that they didn't like it and didn't want to be rude by saying thank you for going out and choosing a gift, paying for it, presumably wrapping it, taking it to the post office and paying for it to be sent to them.

When I was little I had an “Aunt” Virginia who didn't have children of her own and she sent the nicest and most exotic gifts to me at Christmas. As soon as I could scribble I was informed that if I didn't write her a thank you note, there would be no more gifts; it's a small gesture in return for a present. However, a phone call would suffice as things do get lost in the mail; just like socks in the dryer.

Dear Ms. Plume,

I have a dear friend who lives in another state, so our favorite method of communication is to snug in for a lengthy phone chat on a regular basis. My problem is that when she calls me, part way through every conversation she starts to eat – not a cracker or piece of candy, but a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. I find the chewing noise, magnified by the telephone receiver, is most annoying. I love our calls and catching up, and don't want to be rude, but how can I ask her to eat before or after our conversations? She generally does this when she calls me so I don't understand why she doesn't simply choose a time that's more convenient.

Not Hungry in Alabama

Dear Not Hungry,

She is obviously multi-tasking. Perhaps if she eats while talking she can spend longer on the phone. Why don't you simply ask if you can call her back in a few minutes after she is finished eating? Or tell her the thought of her snacking is making you hungry and you don't want to chew in her ear.  If you're not in different time zones, perhaps you could suggest a luncheon conversation and see if you can cancel each other out. Make sure your meal has toast or something crunchy so she gets the full effect.